My apologies for this post being late today! This week got away from me early and I’ve been playing catch up (badly!) since Monday.
Since the beginning of January I’ve been in a topsy turvy head space–that’s the best way I know how to describe it. I keep experiencing great highs and awful lows in terms of anxiety, which is currently at peak levels.
I find that once my anxiety starts to increase those pesky insecurities I work so hard to silence start to come back full swing. For two years now I’ve had the full intention of tackling my “completed” manuscript and whipping it into shape. It’s one of my big goals for the year. Recently, someone said to me, “I don’t know why you don’t just finish your book and get it out there.”
Immediately my heart started to race and these words escaped my mouth:
“I need to do more research…but actually probably not.”
“It doesn’t feel like the right time, the market…”
“I don’t know…I really should just get it done, but…”
Last night I even had the thought, “My work isn’t profound enough to matter. Why bother?”
That’s my list of lame excuses that the pragmatist in my life scoffs at, and I can’t say I disagree with that scoffing. If another writer were to say any of those things to me about their own work I would get my pompoms out and say,
“You’ve researched till you’re blue in the face. You’re ready.”
“The market will never be perfect, besides you should never write for the market. That’s the story you want to tell, tell it and see how it goes. But you have to write it first. You’ll never know till you get the words on the page.”
“You can and will get it done. Ignore those voices and drown them out with your keyboard.”
“Your writing matters. Profound does not equate to relevant or worthy or important. Someone somewhere needs to read what you’re writing. Write it.”
I am excellent at identifying problems and giving people advice–why oh why don’t I listen to myself? I’ve lost patience with these insecurities. They have gotten so loud lately and are affecting every single facet of my life. And I know they’re annoying more than just me.
One of the worst parts is is that I know how to cure them–do. The cure is to do. Just do. I have to stop overthinking and letting them make noise.
Those pesky insecurities will always come back, it’s inevitable. I just need to refocus and get better at doing. Yes, I’m overstretched right now, I feel like I’m being pulled in too many directions because my plate is so full, but I filled it.
I need to step back, breathe, assess, prioritize, and get down to work. I’m going to create a list of my biggest stressors with a solution next to them and that is how I will focus on simply getting things done. Once an item is crossed off the list I am going to refuse to give it any more mental space.