I’ve been flip-flopping on writing about my journal anxiety for a while. Part of it was the shame of feeling like a failure.
But when I was talking with former Inkette Jessica Corra, I found someone who felt the same way.
What I Mean When I Talk About Journal Anxiety
Journal anxiety is the profound feeling of unworthiness that comes when one writes in a ‘nice’ journal. The benchmark of what constitutes a nice journal differs from person to person.
I don’t want to write in them. I have the journal, I own the journal, and I carry it with me, but I don’t feel that my words or ideas are worthy enough to go into the journal.
Even when it a pretty journal is the only journal I have with me when an idea strikes, I will weigh between spoiling the ‘perfection’ of an unmarked page. Half the time I’ll pull out my iphone and put the idea in the notes section (you know, that abyss where ideas are never found again).
The only reason I was able to complete my February Freewriting Challenge was because I had a journal I didn’t feel like I had to ‘respect’. Even as I write that, I am berating myself “You’re respecting an inanimate object?!” Yes, internal dialogue, I recognize you as depression and anxiety. But you’ve persisted so long I don’t recognize you until later.
I Basically Collect Blank Journals
I get journals as gifts–a lot of them. I buy journals. I have a thing for stationery. I write letters and I never like to use the last sheet in a set because I want to keep an archive of all the prettiness that has come before. I love quality gorgeous journals but I just can’t write on the pages.
I occasionally want to cave and buy crap notebooks to just fill them…but the draw to the pretty is too strong…and too counter-productive.