I’ve had a lot of issues this month surrounding guilt. I’ve had a heavy month at work, a vacation, NaNoWriMo, a publication deadline that required a lot of start-up work, and depression.
The depression is a biggest factor. The reason for that is it has influenced my point of view on everything else. Work is harder to make it through when depressed; I have less energy, can’t sleep as much but need more sleep, and feel discouraged/overly anxious with what I am working on. Enjoying my vacation was harder because I felt my spirit was too dampened to deserve a vacation. I felt lazy and awful not working, not writing, not being productive. When I struggled to write, I could feel the depression smothering me like a fire blanket snuffing out flames. Any time I wanted to work creatively, I felt the nagging of my publication deadline and all the things I needed to get done to make December 4th successful.
So this month I have been working really hard to concentrate on forgiving myself.
It seems an oddly simple thing to say but it is a lesson that is going to take me some time to learn, appreciate, reinforce, and continue to apply to myself.
I have a feeling that this whole month is going to be about learning this lesson. I am listening to lectures by Brene Brown, reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, and I am only just starting to feel more comfortable about writing again. Because this bad writing month won’t define me.